Is it possible to be a lactivist and a feminist?

Is it possible to be a lactivist and a feminist? 

I feel like I am both but I also find myself at times feeling confused and torn between the 2 and how they fit together.. or apart. 

To clarify, I am very pro women’s rights re: equal pay, having a career, sexual freedom and safety, breastfeeding, her rights as a working mother etc. 

I am also vocal about how difficult it is when as females in this day and age we grow up believing that we can be and do anything we want but that this can cause some of us trials and tribulations when we become a mother and find ourselves getting lost in the roles of mother and “housewife”, the mental load, and no “me time” etc (I could go on).

But then I am also pro “natural term weaning”, pro responsive parenting and honouring the intensity of which children need us (day and night) for their first few years.

As an individual I believe it is my right to return to my career, and as a mother I believe it is my right and my children’s right for there to be some sort of supportive structure around being a working mother with young children. I therefore think there is a lot of catching up that needs to happen sociologically to support mothers returning to work both in terms of attitudes and in terms of how hours are worked (taking into consideration sleep deprivation) and what sick leave looks like (keeping in mind our sick leave after returning to work as a mother is now mostly used by our children) etc. I realise this is a MASSIVE topic, and one that would be very complicated to put in place in certain settings, but I feel strongly that it needs to be talked about.

So, I find I am passionate about my rights as a INDIVIDUAL as well as passionate about my rights as a MOTHER (and included in that are the rights and biological needs of my children) yet you can’t really tease the 2 apart and people have tried to argue with me that there are some jobs that once a mother, a female can no longer do well.

Can you see how there is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing going on here??

So for example, in the case of our female Prime Minister here in NZ, Jacinda Adern. I am over the moon proud because “being pregnant and becoming a mother isn’t going to stop her running the country AND doing it well” but then I find myself wondering, how does that fit with “being a mum” and everything that comes with that? I know she doesn’t plan to exclusively breastfeed past 6 weeks and her partner Clarke plans to do all the day (and I assume night) time parenting but is that enough? Do they just have really clear lines drawn in the sand about what she can and can’t do because she is essentially taking on what is traditionally the father’s role (as main breadwinner/job of importance) and he is taking on what is traditionally the mother’s role (as stay at home parent)? *Just to clarify here, I am concerned for the demands on Jacinda as a working mum, not her ability to run our country*.

And when we argue that being the stay at home parent is just as important as the working parent’s job, in reversed roles what does support look like and where is the importance of the stay at home parent’s mental health placed? Will his mental health be more considered because it’s a different role to what might otherwise be instinctive to him? And what about her mental health? Is she going to have even more pressure on her because she chose to work in such a job, AND be a mother? Or will she “nail it” and inadvertently place more pressure on the rest of us working mums?

Do I feel divided because I long to be able to do what I want but will always put my role as mother ahead of my own wants and needs as an individual? 

Or is it just that in this world there are mothers like me and mothers like Jacinda and that actually, the thing that is most important here is that we have the CHOICE?

But even though she has made her choice, will she feel a pull towards wanting to mother instinctively the same way I feel a longing to find myself again as an individual?

Men seem to easily have which ever career they want without much strain after becoming fathers. They are also very good at retaining hobbies and their sense of self after becoming fathers (this is not a man hating paragraph ✌🏼).

I realise that with the age of my children “I am in the thick of it currently” and as a lactivist I feel like I will have to wait until I am “out the other side” before I can truly find myself again. But at the same time I know even when my children are older a lot of the worrying and running around will continue to fall to me as mother; meaning less time still for me as an individual which as a feminist is a concept I really struggle with.

Do women have to choose not to have children if they want to never feel the guilt (as a mother) or desire (as a woman)?

Is the fact that you can’t seperate a woman as an individual from herself as a mother (if she becomes one) part of what defines us as females? Whether we take on traditional roles or not, will we forever be grasping at straws for “the other” part of us as well?

And if concepts like identity crisis and mental load are concepts that stay at home dads also struggle with then do their working other halves and mothers of their children do a better job at retaining hobbies and a sense of self? Or will working mums always be burdened with these concepts whether they are the main parent or not?

Again, is this part of what defines us as female? Or do we as a society need to acknowledge a mother’s instincts to keep tabs, keep lists, keep gates and keep giving more of herself like all she is, is mother and “house wife” in a time where she grows up being told she can be what ever she wants? 

They say you can’t pour from an empty cup but I am here to say women will find a drop and will keep on doing so until there are no more drops to drip. No wonder there is a rise in PND, PNA and sleep training. Do we need to catch up and until new attitudes and norms have developed, protect her from herself and stop allowing her to so this to herself? What about the needs of our children? And what is the role of men in all this? 

Then there is our surrounding nucleus (or lack there of). Not having a village has meant we are so ill prepared for the realities of what birth, breastfeeding and parenthood look like and have a lack of support for the same.

Or is it that while feminists have picketed for our rights as a gender, pop culture has failed us in terms of what is possible as a mother?

It is such a multi faceted and complicated topic, but I would like to think that one day, I can be both a lactivist and a feminist without having to defend either position from the other.. and without burning the candles at both ends.

I would love to know if these ideas are clear in other people’s heads? Or is it that whether we are aware of it or not, we are currently dealing with such a modern day concept that we are all still trying to get our heads around it? Society included.

With love and curiosity 

Emma x

Edit to add:  I wrote this in the way that relates to me.  I am aware that there are women who can't or don't breastfeed.  I am aware that there are women that can't go back to work because of the cost of daycare and I am aware that there are women that don't want to go back to work and are happy being mother and homemaker.  I wrote this for all of us x

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