What I would tell my first time Mum self

With the upcoming birth of our second child I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. Writing this was initially meant as a form of therapy for myself, but after I had finished it, I realised it might speak to others.  

I had undiagnosed post natal anxiety after the birth of my son.  I put this down to having my gut tell me one thing and society telling me the complete opposite with regards to how I should respond to my frequent feeder and waker.  I had an extremely brief touch with sleep training, which didn't feel right and only made my anxiety worse as it was painful for both me and my baby and I couldn't understand how I would be able to follow my instincts once my baby was "trained" and had times of increased needs.

This didn't stop me however, from feeling anxious about following my gut.  I continued to feel anxious that my baby's intense needs were my fault, that at some point I had created a rod for my own back, but I couldn't understand how it was possible that my gut instincts could be the root of the problem.  Was I meant to toughen up?

I researched eastern/village based parenting and I realised my human motherly instinct to be gentle and responsive is simply not supported in the western world I live in.  This makes mothering in this society extremely difficult.  We no-longer grow up with the village around us to teach us about normal birth, breastfeeding and mothering, nor do we have the "village to help us raise the child" when it is our turn to become mothers ourselves.  Instead we are in it alone and we are bombarded by "advice" on the internet, from health professionals, colleagues, friends and family that feels confusing and overwhelming as it seems to view everything we are going through with our beautiful babies as a problem that needs fixing.  We return to work when our babies are of an age where it is still developmentally normal for them to have night time parenting needs and then our babies are frequently ill because they're in daycare, so we work when we're ill ourselves to save our sick leave for when our babies are ill and need us at home... and so on and so on.  This only leads to sleep deprived, immune suppressed mothers struggling to face each day.

As a result we have seen the pendulum swing from parenting to the developmental needs of our child, to parenting to the needs of the mother or parents.  I realised, the society I live in was setting myself, and my baby up to fail.  But I am extremely lucky to have a mother who responded to her babies the same way I do, and I married a wonderful man who has the same gut instincts as myself.  So even though he felt unable to help much at first with meeting the needs of our son, the fact I had his support emotionally and physically, coupled with that fact that I didn't have him question me or make me feel like I had to justify how I was responding to our baby made parenting this way do-able. 

Some might call it self-sacrifice.  Because for 2 years I functioned on an average of 3-6 hours (often extremely) broken sleep each night.  For over a year the average block of sleep I got was 2-3 hours at a time, sometimes only 45 minutes.  However, my mental health improved when I accepted that I needed to do what my heart felt was right.  For me, that was and is responding to the normal, developmental needs of my baby and toddler.  We are in a really good place now and have been for some time, but when recently I felt triggered by overhearing a comment about responding only to a certain type of cry, I realised I still had some work to do.  So I wrote a bullet pointed letter to myself, with the key points I would tell my first time Mum self if I could, now that "I know".  It is worth pointing out that everything is a work in progress. I like many mothers have "lost myself" since becoming a mother.  But this is something my husband and I are talking about and it is something I am working with his support to find again.. I realise with another on that way that this will be a longterm project, but I am really looking forward to parenting without all the anxiety when we have our baby girl in December.. and I know that I can survive. 

"What I would tell my first time Mum self:
• Just hold your newborn son like you want to, don't worry that he doesn't like to be put down. He is in his "4th trimester" and is still coming to terms with the world he has been thrusted into.  For now he only feels safe in your arms, but soon as he learns to trust you will come when he calls you, he'll be ok with being put down. This time is short.
• Don't worry about the housework. You'll have days where your baby struggles to find sleep, and doesn't want to be put down.. your most important, most intense job you've ever had is tending to your baby's needs. On days like this you are winning if you've cleaned your teeth and managed to eat a peanut butter sandwich.
• Your baby can't read a clock and you cannot breastfeed your baby too often. You put him to your breast when ever he grizzles or cries, and this quietens and soothes him. There are biological, neurological and neuropsychological reasons for this. Trust your instincts and feed without worry.
• Those 45 minute cat naps you stress about, don't. One day he'll start "linking sleep cycles" all on his own.. you never needed to teach him how to do it.
• Sleep dept is BS. Don't ever feel like it's your job to teach your baby to sleep for the sake of his development. He will learn to sleep better with your love and support.. teaching him that he can can trust that sleep is a pleasant and safe state to enter, not one to be feared. He is not going to become developmentally delayed because he can't yet link his sleep cycles and he wakes frequently through the night. Each day is a clean slate... for you too.

• You will learn to survive on an amount of sleep that would have once made you an absolute wreck. There will be days where you "can't adult", and that's ok. You find it hard to nap but make sure your husband encourages you to catch up on sleep where you can.  Educate yourself on "sleep hygiene".

• Feeding to sleep is not the reason he wakes frequently. He wakes frequently because it's developmentally normal for him to do so.
• Sleep is a developmental milestone unique to each child. It is normal for babies and toddlers to wake frequently through the night. Unicorn babies exist, but they are rare.
• Your baby sits somewhere on a sleep spectrum.. at one end there are the babies who find sleep easily, learn to sleep in longer blocks more quickly and without any stress.  At the other end are the babies who simply have higher needs. It's potluck.. the same family can have children with polar opposite sleep needs.
• In the same token understand your baby or toddler does not fit into a box. Remember we all have different sleep habits, some of us take a while to fall asleep, some fall asleep quickly, some sleep heavily, others lightly.  We all have times where our day affects our sleep. The same is true for your child.
• Screw the "shoulds"... "you should", "your baby should"... enough said.
• Don't stress about solids or fall into the trap of thinking you "have a big baby who needs more than just your milk" or that your baby needs solids to help him sleep better. Your baby gets everything he needs and more from your milk. If he's not overly interested in solids, or if he doesn't like puree, try safe finger foods.  But for goodness sake don't let your anxiety drive you to make every single kind of pureed food under the sun, frozen into ice cube portions and beautifully organised in your freezer, all to follow a regime some women who has never had children says is the only way to get your child onto solids... then to have your baby refuse it all. Remember "solids before one are just for fun"... fun being the operative word.
• Sleep will be up and down.  Enjoy the ups while they last but expect them to come back down. Understand that sleep is affected by teething, illness, periods of separation anxiety and developmental leaps.  It is not easy for you, but remember it's not easy for him either. These are the times your baby and toddler needs you the most..
• Feeding to sleep and for resettles is easy, beautiful and the most peaceful way for your son to find asleep. It is your magic trick. Keep it in your tool box for as long as he needs it.
• When people ask you if he's a "good sleeper", smile and say "he feeds well and wakes when he needs me, just as I expect him to".
• One day, sometime in his first 2 years he'll learn how to do bedtime with his Dad.  This will probably be without you around at first, and it will happen when he is ready, don't stress about when this will be. When it does happen, it will be peaceful.
• Daycare sleep is a whole other kettle of fish.. he'll have a routine there that is peaceful (because you trust your daycare not to leave him to cry) and completely different to his routine at home. But know that what works at daycare will not work at home.  He may eventually learn to "self settle" there, but remember he is not put down and then left alone in a room.  He is surrounded by his sleepy friends and a teacher sitting nearby.  Of course he would rather fall asleep at your bosom or with cuddles from Dad if either of you are around. He adores you and he won't need you this much forever.
• One day he'll fall asleep without the breast when he's doing bedtime with you too. You're not quite there yet (26 months), it's "his thing" or "special cuddle" with you.. but it's definitely not a problem. Bedtimes with you and resettles will eventually become the only time he has "a feed".  He will be completely weaned when he is ready.
• Falling asleep in toddlerhood can sometimes take time (with you and with Dad).  Your frame of mind on this is everything. He's enjoying your company and definitely picks up on your vibes. Enjoy the extra time with him, be at peace with it, and eventually he'll learn to drift off promptly... and one day he won't need you there at all.
• Don't stress about him ending up in your bed at some point in the night. When he's next to you he sleeps so well. You won't have to "teach him" to sleep all night in his own bed. Eventually he'll just start sleeping through and will wake having spent the entire night in his own bed, just like that! (this is already happening more regularly). It never needed to be "a thing".
• When dealing with toddlers, speak to their emotional brain waaaaay before you try to speak to their cognitive/rational brain. Trust me.
• Surrender to this season in your life and trust "this too shall pass".  But understand surrender is not the same as accepting. There will be times where you feel frustrated and exhausted and sometimes a huge vent and ugly cry is just what the doctor ordered. Be cautious however, who you choose to do this with. It should be with an understanding, listening ear, not someone who will make you question your instincts more than you already do.
• It'll probably take 2ish years for things to feel easier.. and then you'll fall pregnant and get ready to do it all again!
• Know that for 24 hours a day, for the first year at least, you, Dear Mama, are "it".  Dad needs to understand this too.  He can do nappy changes, baths and eventually meal times once your baby has started solids.. and he should support you in every way possible.  Helping you to find extra sleep opportunities and by taking on extra household tasks.  Because with loads of support and you surrendering to the season you are in you will survive... and one day, you'll look back and wish you could hold that baby or

toddler in your arms again. 

In the scheme of things, this time is a blip on the radar.  So surrender (but vent when you need to), embrace it when you can, trust your instincts, do what ever makes your heart sing and that of your baby's too, take photos of the beautiful and not so beautiful moments.. drink bucket loads of coffee.. and eat truck loads of chocolate.  Remember you are not perfect (although in the eyes of your child you are)... but you are good enough.  You've got this Mama xx"

**Please keep in mind, this is what I would say to myself, for example (although extremely difficult at first) I was/am able to breastfeed, I do not have a pre-existing mental health condition, nor do I live in an un-supportive environment.  I realise this is not the case for all mothers**